Wednesday, December 2, 2009
And then I worry because I'm only working 32 hours (sometimes 40, but that's not too frequent) and I only have myself to care for. What about when I'm working more hours than that someday and I'm a wife and mom? Then what? I can't come home crabby everyday and not want to spend time with anyone. So what do I do? How do I balance all of this nonsense? I just want this vicious cycle to end and I want to feel like I'm accomplishing things and like I'm actually making a difference in the lives of those around me. Isn't that why God put us on this earth, after all? Perhaps I need a little attitude adjustment, but I just feel stuck in this rut. Every Thursday (without fail), I realize that it's Thursday and the week is almost over. I proceed to have a minor break down as I yell to my roommate, Lindsey, "Where is my life going?! It's Thursday already...the week is almost gone!" It needs to stop. There's gotta be more to life and I just need to figure out how to balance it out, I suppose. I feel like that's easier said than done. (sighs)
Monday, November 23, 2009
Our dishwasher is broken and I spent 2 hours after work today hand-washing all of our dirty dishes. Yes, that was our fault for letting them pile up too high. I also managed to stab my thumb with a fork while trying to wash it. I didn't think that a fork could do so much damage to skin, but I thought wrong.
I feel like everyone else has gone home for Thanksgiving already and I'm stuck here working until 3:30 on Wednesday. I just can't take no more. I wish it were Thanksgiving already.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Currently I'm seating on a very plush, comfy couch avoiding my 8 page "Who Is Jesus in the book of Matthew" paper that is staring at me. I am at my friend Aaron's house. I feel guilty for telling this, but here's how I got here: First, Aaron has a very open door policy which is nice. Second, Our Bible Study met at our house tonight (my room mate Kasey is also in my Bible Study), but I needed to write this paper and get some work done. I didn't want to be in my room in the same house that my Bible Study was taking place in though-I just felt weird about that. So I called Aaron and asked if I could do homework at his casa. Of course his answer was "yes." So here I am. Aaron is working on a project with someone in his room and his other two room mates are in the family room watching a movie. And I'm in the den getting a lot accomplished as long as I stay off of facebook, My Life is Average and now, Blogger. I've gotten 3 pages done in the last 3 hours. Problem an hour and a half of that was spent on facebook and MLIA though.
But here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that I love my room mates They're the absolute best. I love all of the silliness that we have, the prank phone calls that we make, the meals that we cook and the memories that we make. But, there's something that I love about being in a house of boys. I realize that this sounds really weird. I think it comforts me a little bit though. I only have brothers. My cousins who are closest to my age and in California are boys. I just feel like I've grown up surrounded by boys. So here I sit, no one around me, but the sounds of boys laughing at a stupid movie puts a smile on my face. Why? Because I can picture Caleb and Noah sitting in the living room watching a dumb show and laughing about it. Some days I feel right at home sitting here in the house full of boys. And other days it just makes me wish for a little brotherly love from Austin, Caleb and Noah.
Right now, I feel right at home in this house of boys, but I'm looking forward to seeing my brothers and cousins for Thanksgiving next week! I should probably get back to that paper now. :)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Do I just be an elementary teacher, or should I pursue a master's degree and be a college professor? If I am an elementary teacher, do I go where I feel safe and teach at CVC or do I go where I feel my heart being pulled and teach in an inner-city somewhere? If I do college, should I do English or something like American Sign Language or Spanish? God, I've been single for what feels like forever. Part of me is fine with that, but it panics me to see many of my friends engaged or in serious relationships.
Different little storms tend to show up in life, and those are just a few that end up in my head. It may not be an actual storm like the disciples experienced in Luke, but it is the same concept. That storm rocked the boat that those disciples were in and they panicked. They woke Jesus up and he immediately calmed the storm and then turned around and asked them, "Where is your faith?"
My life is the same way. All of these little things rock the boat that I'm in, but God is at the head of the ship and he's also the One who controls the storm. Time and time again when I find myself trying to figure things out I hear him saying, "Where is your faith?" In You, O God, I will place my trust.
Monday, November 16, 2009
The first is that I'm thankful that I was able to realize that being single is okay. And that God is the true love of my life. And that he is by far the best guy ever.
The second is that I'm thankful for my most recent relationship. I hear about how some guys are in relationships, and about relationships in general and I'm able to look back and think, wow, that guy was a really great guy. I'm thankful that I'm able to have a certain standard (regardless, it's a pretty high standard) for guys, but I'm glad that I've been able to keep it and not stoop to a lower level. The guy that I dated most recently was an awesome man of God, he led our relationship in every way possible and he was the greatest friend that I could ever ask for. And I'm so thankful for that. Whoever I date in the future has some big shoes to fill.
I'm not sure if anything that I wrote just made sense. The main point is that I'm thankful for where I'm at in life and for the people that God has placed in my life.
Good night all.
Friday, November 13, 2009
The migraine lifted yesterday evening. It was the most lovely feeling that I have ever felt. I had been walking around unable to focus on anything because of that silly migraine. But now, it is gone. It's still a little head ache-y, but I can definitely handle a head ache.
Well, on Monday I went home (to Visalia) after I got sent home early from work for sounding too sick. It was lovely. Mother cooked the most delicious roast dinner annnnd I got to cuddle with my dog, Diego while I took naps. It was good for my soul, although I didn't really get much better after that. Wednesday my family came to Fresno and we had dinner at BJ's...delissshhhhh-ousness! Pizookies are ah-mazing. And so is family time.
I might go take a nap right now. I have a short-term Bible class this weekend. It's only this weekend, but that means that I get to learn about the book of Matthew from 6-10 pm tonight and all of the wonderful day tomorrow. Could be rough.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
However, right now that happy stuff has been clouded over by the fact that I have Bronchitis. I've had it since last Thursday and I'm getting so annoyed with it. I forgot just how long Bronchitis usually takes me out of life. I haven't gotten it since high school, but whenever I got it in high school I usually missed school for about a week and a half. Now, being the busy, working woman, college student that I am: I don't have TIME to be out for a week and a half. But here I am: Day 6 and counting. Not only do I have Bronchitis, but I've acquired some sort of wretched migraine that keeps me from functioning when it hits.
So that's life right now. Sorry for the venting session. I know you're all probably thinking, "Cry me a river," but thanks for reading anyway. :) And I promise that once I feel better, I will share some bits and pieces of goodness with you all.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Today I had to be at work at 6:45 in the am. That was slightly unfortunate. Honestly, it took a lot of praying over this day for me to be as awake and joyful as I was. I also had to work a little bit later because I played program representative/admissions counselor for FPU'S Degree Completion program today at Willow International (a JC in Clovis). People flow was not too heavy, so it got a bit boring; however, when students did talk to me I loved it! I was supposed to sing in the choir for a Michael W. Smith concert at the Fresno Fair tonight, but because of the rain the concert was cancelled. So now I am ditching class (don't worry, I'm making up for it by attending the Thursday night option) and I am sitting here blogging about life when I should be doing homework. I promised that I would try to be more loyal to my blog though-so I am! But now I should probably go and get some work accomplished.
So here I sit, empty dishes in front of me. That was a perfect fall meal. Rain is splattering against my window. I can smell the scent of wet cement wafting through an open window. It is fall. Fall is in the air. I love fall. And I am happy.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Tonight we played Ultimate Frisbee at our house. We invited pretty much anyone and everyone over to play after church tonight. I think we figured that about 40 people showed up to play. We went and played on the lawn in our neighborhood and we had a light-up frisbee. Aftewards we came back to our house and hung out/ate brownies. I met so many cool, new people-it was the greatest! Well, it is 10 'til 1 am and I have to get up at 6:20 am-so that's my cue to go to bed! I'm going to be trying really hard to be keeping up with my blog better from now on. But for now, I'm out. Ciao.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
I leave for Costa Rica tomorrow! Well, my team and I will be driving down to LA tomorrow and then we will be flying out of LAX on Monday morning. I got my assignment from Students International and I will be working at an Education sight in Los Guidos. The picture above is a picture of a street in Los Guidos. Things that are involved in "Education" are tutoring kids, helping with VBS and teaching English to classes. My other team members got assigned to either Education, Social Work or Construction. Pray for us as we leave to minister to the people of Costa Rica. Also, pray for the kids that I will be working with-pray that their hearts may be opened to God's Word and that I may be a shining light for Him. Also, pray that no one gets sick from our team :) I've heard quite a few food poisoning stories from friends who have mission-tripped it and it's enough to make me cautious. If something happens though, I'm loaded with meds! I'm praying for a great trip, and I know that if I just leave it up to God, it will be because this trip is for Him. I felt called to do this trip and everything has lined up up to this point, and I know that He is in control. I'd better finish packing up my stuff and then head to bed. It's getting too close to midnight! If I can update while I'm there, then I will. But if not, I'll be updating you all on July 19!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Also in case he ever reads this, Ryan Reynolds, MARRY ME!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I feel like I've really been slacking on this whole blog thing. It's not that I don't have anything to bumble about...it's just that it makes me tired to think about bumbling more than I already do. :) Last weekend I went to SLO with Mom and Noah because Noah had a baseball tourney there (Rob, Dad & Austin stayed home because Rob had a baseball tourney here.) SLO was wonderful-nothing like a weekend getaway to rejuvenate someone-especially when it was only 80 degrees there and 106 here! We ate breakfast one of the mornings at a place called Apple Farms. It was delicious! Food was awesome and the plates were enormous. Plus, they had the most fabulous gift shop that kept us entertained while we were waiting to be seated. There's hardly anything I like more than cute gift shops and homey restaurants! Noah's team got first in the tournament-it was the state qualifier so that means that they are going to state playoffs.
Today I went to Bravo Farms for my "good-bye staff" lunch with the staff members at First CRC. I love them all-they're the reason why I'll miss that job. :) But, I love Bravo Farms because of its good ol'-down home-country feel. And they've got goats, a parrot & a rabbit now which I love. So yes, favorite place ever, probably.
Tonight, I went to DeGroot's house and watched a movie outside. Honestly, I don't even know what movie it was but it was hilarious. Really dumb, but really funny. It's always nice to be able to just hang out with friends and chill for a while. I feel like I'm going, going, going too much sometimes and being with friends seems to rejuvenate me. :)
Well, it's almost midnight. I have yet to shower. And I need to be awake at 5:30 tomorrow morning. blehhhh. Good night.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
What's your favorite name for a boy?
Do you like coke or pepsi?
Have you read Twilight?
Guilty. So, so guilty.
What does your car smell like?
Vanilla somethin' or other.
Have you ever eaten a marshmallow burnt?
Yes and it's delicious.
Do you have a gerbil?
No. Never been a gerbil kind of girl.
Are you afraid of airplanes?
What gives you goosebumps?
Witnessing God in situations. Musicals.
Whose your favorite character on TV?
Why did you take this survey?
Bored...and I kind of like surveys...
Do you like ice cream?
Psh! This is the most ridiculous question I have ever heard.
Have you been to an arcade before?
What is your favorite song?
I wouldn't even know where to begin with this one.
What is your least favorite movie?
Phantom of The Opera. Or Beauty and The Beast...take your pick. Wait though, The Proposal is pretty stinkin' funny. Oh, I don't know.
When do you think the world will end?
When God wants it to.
Do you think cheesy jokes are funny?
Keep 'em comin'.
Do you like texting or calling?
Texting. I am definitely not a fan of talking on the phone.
Have you ever online dated?
Whose the last person you hugged?
Ummm...I feel like I don't hug people very often anymore. I think it was Devon though.
Do you believe Wikipedia is always right?
Of course! ...Just kidding.
Do you like bulldogs?
I don't think I would want to own one...but they're sweet.
Have you ever eaten a corndog?
What's your favorite article of clothing?
Sweatpants, a baggy sweatshirt..just give me cozy and comfortable.
Do you like classical music?
Very much so.
Is your grandma still alive?
What's your favorite video on Youtube?
Could be the Sesame Street Count one. It's kind of inappropriate though.
Do you have a friend named Buddy?
Buddy the elf?
Why are people weird?
Because no two people are exactly the same.
Do you know what TTFN stands for?
Ta ta for now!
What's your pets middle name?
Have you ever dated 2 people at one time?
Have you ever sniffed someone's hair secretly?
Do you have a T.V in your room?
How long can you go without electronics?
An embarrassingly short amount of time.
What are your siblings names?
Austin, Caleb (Robert) & Noah.
Are you bored right now?
A smidge. I should be cleaning or doing something productive though.
Are you answering these questions with false answers or true?
True..with a hint of sarcasm thrown in every once in a while.
Will you tell your friends to do this survey?
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
So I did a research paper for my Sociology class on children without fathers in their lives. Keep in mind a few things while reading this: 1. I wanted to get this finished as quickly as possible. Which means that I did not proof-read this. I merely typed it out and turned it in. Sorry if it doesn't flow or if there are grammatical/spelling errors. 2. There was SO MUCH that I wanted to put inside this paper. I could have easily written 20 pages on this topic, but I was only allowed 4 pages. So again, sorry if it seems choppy or un-flowy. Enjoy!
Intimacy between a Father and His Children
Some fathers are not present during their children’s lives. Some fathers are technically present during their children’s lives, but they may as well not be because instead they are abusive, bad role models or too consumed in their jobs to even notice their children. Today, American society continues to find itself asking the question, “Where are the fathers?” more and more frequently. That question should be followed by, “What effect is it having on their children?” or even more specifically, “What effect is it having on their sons?”
Children of abusive fathers suffer just as much, if not more than children without fathers. Fathers can be abusive emotionally or physically, either way will eventually take its toll on their children. Children of physically abusive fathers tend to be nervous and timid. Many children of abusive fathers say that they would wait until their fathers got home to determine their moods, which would in turn dictate their actions around their fathers (Gordon, pg. 55) Alcohol is a huge contributing factor in abusive fathers.
A staggering statistic says that “almost one-third [children of alcoholics] had been physically abused and one-fifth sexually abused…in 60 percent of these cases this parent was the father.” (Gordon, pg. 55) The statistic goes on to say that 40 percent of daughters of alcoholics who were physically and/or sexually abused by their fathers report spousal abuse in their families. This statistic was about three to four times higher than daughters raised in nonalcoholic homes without abuse.
Physical abuse is degrading to a child’s ego, but even more disheartening to a child’s ego is being verbally abused. The common saying, “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me” should be thrown out the window immediately. The deepest yearning within every child is to be accepted and loved by his/her parent. When parents call their children names, tell them that they are worthless or use hostile tones of voices, they are ruining their child’s self-esteem and causing their children to believe their words: that they are worthless. These feelings of shame do not easily leave a child. They remain with them for years after they were said. Philip Greven once said, “The feelings generated by the pain…are mostly repressed, forgotten, and denied, but they actually never disappear. Everything remains in our innermost beings.” (Gordon, pg. 56)
Intimacy is defined as “experiencing intense intellectual, emotion, and, when appropriate, physical communion with another human being.” Children who are verbally abused, conditionally loved, or completely unloved and unwanted by fathers tend to grow up feeling like they do not deserve the love of others. They grow up lacking true intimacy with their fathers and with the mentality that they are not worth love, nor can they ever be good enough to deserve love. It is a vicious cycle that tends to eat away at abused children later on in their lives, which make it hard to love their spouses and children, or for them to feel like they deserve the love of their spouses and children.
Sons need the most love and acceptance from their fathers. Daughters also need love and acceptance from their fathers, but it does not shape them into who they become. Sons tend to find their identities in their fathers. Rodney Atkins puts it well in his song titled, “Watching You.” The chorus goes as follows:
He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We like fixing things and holding mama's hand
Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I've been watching you (Atkins)
This son pays a lot of attention to his dad and his actions. He is his dad’s “bud” or his “buckaroo” and he has noticed that his dad eats all of his food at dinner time, and since he wants to be tall and strong like his dad, he is going to eat all of his food also. He has taken a liking to fixing things, which generally is perceived as a masculine job, just like his dad does. He has been able to see that his dad respects his mom and the son likes holding his mom’s hand and loving her just like his dad. He is finding his identity in his father. Children often times grow up confused and questioning themselves when they do not have good role models and fathers to look up to.
Equally as bad to being an abusive father, is being an absent father. Statistics of neighborhoods with fewer fathers are much higher in violence than neighborhoods with fathers. James Q. Wilson says that, “Neighborhood standards may be set by mothers, but they are enforced by fathers, or at least by adult males.” (Blankenhorn, pg. 31) Blankenhorn alludes to the fact that the usually generalized link between masculinity and violence should be thrown out the window. Instead the reason for more violence does not have to do with traditional male norms, but with the decline of traditional male roles in our society. If we want to see less violence, then we need to be seeing more fathers. (Blankenhorn, pg. 31)
Research has also shown that daughters of absent fathers are much more prone to being involved in early sexual activity and teenage pregnancy. An absolutely mind-blowing statistic says that “daughters of single parents are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 111% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a premarital birth and 92% more likely to dissolve their own marriages.” (Blankenhorn, pg. 46) According to Beth Erickson, “Fatherless children are….twice as likely to drop out of high school, 2.5 times as likely to become teen-aged mothers and 1.4 times as likely to be…out of school and out of work.”(Erickson, pg. 68)
American fathers are causing future generations to be lost, unable to work or make decisions and unsure of themselves. America’s fathers are giving the government more and more reason to continue to put their money into prison systems, if only these fathers would have stayed in their children’s lives so that they could prevent their children from growing up in violence. More marriages would be saved because husbands or wives would not be so insecure with their spouses because they are still holding onto the lack of love that they were shown when they were a child. Because of the growing lack of intimacy between fathers and their children, America’s future generations are nothing but a bunch of cowards who can only hear the lies that their fathers spoke to them through their abuse, their silence or their distance. These children need fathers, or else American men need to grow up and take charge before it is too late.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
On Friday night I went to Traver with my family and friends. My family discovered Bravo Farms there (cheese place and restaurant) and we just LOVE IT! It's such a fun atmosphere with great food and friendly staff. That was super fun. There was 19 of us-which is always great. The more the merrier!
Today was my last city league volleyball game. I was a coach with Brelle and Jessica. It was an enjoyable experience-better than the first year that I coached city league. One of the moms owns a boutique and blings out things such as license plate frames and cups, etc. SOOOO for our thank you gift we got a blinged-out Bubba Keg. Brelle, Jess and I have been eyeing those since we saw them! So we were pretty stoked about that.
Sheesh, I'm tired. Nighty night.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
I can honestly say that when I was younger, I never imagined that I would be where I am today. I never thought that I would be working as the Worship Director (organizer? substitute? I'm not really sure what I am.) at my church. I never thought I'd be living at home in Visalia at 20 years old. I never thought I'd be a city league volleyball coach for young girls. But here's the thing...God has called me to all of these things. I'm planning on going on a mission trip to Costa Rica in July. My team is composed of all girls, and you know what? I think God has purpose and reason in that. God put on my heart for me to come back home so that I could be closer to my family, especially my brothers so that I don't miss things about them growing up. He called me back home so that I could help out at the Calf Ranch and at church.
He called me to help out with worship at church. Why? I have no idea. Many days...many days I ask myself "what were you thinking accepting this job? Just quit now." This verse is a constant reminder that though I may not know why I have to put up with complaints and business, God has called me to this royal position in this moment in time. It's not going to be easy. It for sure wasn't easy for Esther. She put herself on the line for her people, but God gave her that higher calling. Although choosing to move back home or accepting a sometimes difficult job isn't nearly as crazy as Esther's decision of putting her life on the line, God calls each and every one of us to different lifestyles, occupations and places for his good and perfect timing.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Secondly, what will this blog be about? Life, love and happiness. Mostly life, though. I just wanted a place to share my thoughts & update people on life.
That's it for now....I think I have Swine Flu (not really, but I don't feel very well). And I have a paper due tomorrow at 7:40 a.m. (which I haven't quite started on yet). Toodles.