"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" -Esther 4:14
I've always loved this verse. Not just the verse, but the story as a whole. This young, beautiful girl was called to deliver an entire people, but it wasn't an easy thing to do. It took nerve and boldness, and it especially took a complete trust in God. Many times I don't like where I feel like God is calling me and I try to run, but Esther 4:14 is a great reminder that maybe I'm right where God wants me to be.
I'm kind of struggling with this right now. I started tutoring different kids from low-income families and poor performing schools. I go to their houses twice a week and do a one-on-one tutoring session with them and work on their reading skills. I just started tutoring at a certain house last night, and to be honest, I've been trying to avoid this house for a while. I didn't want to call the mom to set up a schedule because looking at the two daughter's names, it was apparent that they were Black. I'm not racist, but from experience, I just feel more comfortable in homes of Mexican families because I'm half-Mexican and I'm just more familiar with how Mexican families do life, basically. Then I finally called the mom and she was hard to understand and loud, and I was having a really difficult time getting my schedule to match hers. Well, 2 weeks later, I scheduled my first tutoring session with these girls. I feel like while I've wanted all the doors to close so that I wouldn't have to tutor these girls, God has continually opened them up. I think this is where I need to be.
Well, I went to their house yesterday for the first tutoring session. I walked in and immediately smelled pot. No, I've never smoked pot, but I've smelt it before...my dad's a high school principal annnnd I've been to Venice Beach before (lots of sketch people at Venice). There were 3 really shady young adults sitting on the couch watching a movie, and then the mom of the girls walked in and I hate to say it, but she looked like a druggie. For sure. The movie that the young adults were watching said the "F-word" every other word and there was a full on sex scene which showed everything. All the while, 4 little girls ranging from K-4th grade sat there and watched and listened to all of this. Needless to say, this house was really sketchy. I never felt uncomfortable, but it's just a really questionable situation. When I finished tutoring the 1st grader, she had a program to go perform in for her school's Black History Month Celebration. She looked at me with sad eyes and said, "I guess I have to walk to school." And as I stood with one foot in the door and one foot out, I watched this sweet 1st grader run all the way to her school program while I looked back in the house and saw her mom slumped on the couch watching this disgusting movie and not take a second thought as to where her daughter was headed.
And in that moment my heart broke because I feel like these girls are stuck. How are they going to break the mold when this is what they have to live with?! It's the same reason why my heart has always been pulled toward teaching inner-city kids...I WANT to break the mold. I just want to give them all of my love because I know that they're not receiving it at home. Some people are telling me to get out of tutoring this family because the situation at hand sounds questionable and unsafe. As much as I want to get out of tutoring them too, I feel like God kept opening up all of the doors for a reason, so who knows? He probably has me here for such a time as this. So I'm going to just rest in his promise that he will never leave me and I'm going to put my trust in him. In the meantime, if you guys could keep me and these girls in your prayers, that would be awesome. I feel like I'm supposed to be here, but I still get a little bit nervous in these situations.