Does That Make Me Crazy?

I think I have one every Tuesday night. And every Thursday.

Tuesday night anxiety attacks are related to the overwhelmed feeling that I get when I attend class for various reasons. The first possible reason is that people always talk about credentialing programs and getting into it. Prior to applying to a credentialing program, one must pass the CBEST and 3 CSET's...all standardized tests, mind you. I HATE standardized tests. On top of that I just have to keep thinking about that fact that I still have 18-24 months left of schooling once I graduate with my BA...to barely get paid anything for the amount of work that I'll be doing. If my anxious feeling isn't related to credentialing, then it's probably because of the fact that this accelerated program has a ton of at home/do-on-your-own work. It can be done and once I get home and start doing the work, it's not that bad. But when we're going over what needs to be done....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Thursday (day) anxiety attacks are because I realize that it's already Thursday, which means the week is almost over, which means the month is almost over, which means I'm almost graduated, which means I need to figure out my life, etc....dramatic? Yes, absolutely. But without fail, I always have a Thursday "freak out" as my "old" roommate, Lindsey would call them.

Do I REALLY have anxiety attacks? No, probably not. Do I totally over think things and mildly freak out? Ohhhhh yes. And today is Tuesday, and I just recovered from being stressed over both credentialing and the work load tonight. So fun.

Life Update

I'm beginning to realize that more people read this than I think. So, for those of you who read this to try to catch up on my life...I apologize because I haven't given you many updates, and my most recent post wasn't a super uplifting one. So I'll try to summarize life since the last post:

1. Tutoring is going well. I have days where I think to myself, "This is exactly where I want to be...this is why I'm here!" because it goes so great, and then I have days where I think to myself, "Get me out of here...I never ever ever ever want to teach again!" It all depends. Such is life though. I tutor a total of 6 kids. The highlight of my week is going to my two girls' house that I talked about in the previous post. They're both so eager to learn and you can tell that they're just aching for love. Their home is so incredibly broken and I want to show them as much love and hope as I possibly can during my time with them.

2. We're going through Song of Solomon at The Well. SO GOOD! http://thewellcommunity.org/podcast/the-feed/1. If you're interested, check it out. I get SO excited to go to church every Sunday. Like, I get butterflies in my stomach-excited. Excited for what God will speak to me through the teaching pastor of the night, so excited for worship and so excited for hanging out with so many people my age who are passionate about the Lord. I also just started teaching a 2nd grade Sunday School class with one of my room mates and it's a lot of fun!

3. Homework overload. It's true, but it's just a fact of life. This too shall pass.

4. Baseball season is finally hereeeeeeee! Need I say more? I love going to Fresno State baseball games and I especially love getting to watch all of my brothers play. And I just love basking in the sun eating seeds. Nothing gets me more than the sound of metal cleats and metal bats. Weird, I know.

5. WASHINGTON!!!!!!! My heart is just so excited. I'm going to Washington the end of May for a few days because one of my cousins is getting married. I'm so excited for her and I'm especially excited to see all my beautiful WA family's faces.

For now, that's everything. I'm sure there's more to tell, but I need to finish doing homework because my goal for bedtime tonight was 11:30 and it's 11:24. I doubt I'll be able to accomplish 1.5 pages in 6 minutes. Maybe I could...but it's doubtful. And I know that I say this all of the time, but I really will try to be more faithful in my blogging. :)

For Such A Time As This

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" -Esther 4:14

I've always loved this verse. Not just the verse, but the story as a whole. This young, beautiful girl was called to deliver an entire people, but it wasn't an easy thing to do. It took nerve and boldness, and it especially took a complete trust in God. Many times I don't like where I feel like God is calling me and I try to run, but Esther 4:14 is a great reminder that maybe I'm right where God wants me to be.

I'm kind of struggling with this right now. I started tutoring different kids from low-income families and poor performing schools. I go to their houses twice a week and do a one-on-one tutoring session with them and work on their reading skills. I just started tutoring at a certain house last night, and to be honest, I've been trying to avoid this house for a while. I didn't want to call the mom to set up a schedule because looking at the two daughter's names, it was apparent that they were Black. I'm not racist, but from experience, I just feel more comfortable in homes of Mexican families because I'm half-Mexican and I'm just more familiar with how Mexican families do life, basically. Then I finally called the mom and she was hard to understand and loud, and I was having a really difficult time getting my schedule to match hers. Well, 2 weeks later, I scheduled my first tutoring session with these girls. I feel like while I've wanted all the doors to close so that I wouldn't have to tutor these girls, God has continually opened them up. I think this is where I need to be.

Well, I went to their house yesterday for the first tutoring session. I walked in and immediately smelled pot. No, I've never smoked pot, but I've smelt it before...my dad's a high school principal annnnd I've been to Venice Beach before (lots of sketch people at Venice). There were 3 really shady young adults sitting on the couch watching a movie, and then the mom of the girls walked in and I hate to say it, but she looked like a druggie. For sure. The movie that the young adults were watching said the "F-word" every other word and there was a full on sex scene which showed everything. All the while, 4 little girls ranging from K-4th grade sat there and watched and listened to all of this. Needless to say, this house was really sketchy. I never felt uncomfortable, but it's just a really questionable situation. When I finished tutoring the 1st grader, she had a program to go perform in for her school's Black History Month Celebration. She looked at me with sad eyes and said, "I guess I have to walk to school." And as I stood with one foot in the door and one foot out, I watched this sweet 1st grader run all the way to her school program while I looked back in the house and saw her mom slumped on the couch watching this disgusting movie and not take a second thought as to where her daughter was headed.

And in that moment my heart broke because I feel like these girls are stuck. How are they going to break the mold when this is what they have to live with?! It's the same reason why my heart has always been pulled toward teaching inner-city kids...I WANT to break the mold. I just want to give them all of my love because I know that they're not receiving it at home. Some people are telling me to get out of tutoring this family because the situation at hand sounds questionable and unsafe. As much as I want to get out of tutoring them too, I feel like God kept opening up all of the doors for a reason, so who knows? He probably has me here for such a time as this. So I'm going to just rest in his promise that he will never leave me and I'm going to put my trust in him. In the meantime, if you guys could keep me and these girls in your prayers, that would be awesome. I feel like I'm supposed to be here, but I still get a little bit nervous in these situations.

Dessert With the Dixons

This is the Los Guido group from when I went to Costa Rica this past summer. Third from the right is Tracey Dixon. Tracey and her husband live in Costa Rica with their two kids and they are doing ministry work there through Students International. I had a great time serving there with them and I was able to form great relationships with them, as well as everyone else on the SI staff. Anyway, they've been home in the US this past month, traveling around to see their families and visit their supporting churches. Last night I was able to attend "Dessert with the Dixons" at a church in Visalia and I got to talk to Jeff for a while about things going on in Costa Rica. I was encouraged to hear that the tutoring center in Los Guidos is doing great and it's booming with kids! There are a few tough things going on there (as there always will be...especially when God calls you to do something for Him), but overall the report was very positive and it sounds like God is doing some awesome things there and He's going to keep on using the Dixons and the rest of the SI staff to shine his light in Costa Rica.

Contentedness. (Is that even a word? Beware: Bumblings Ahead.)

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future." -Ecclesiastes 7:14

I'm generally a very happy person. Right now I'm just flyin' high on life...just 'cause it's so good. However, almost everyday I find at least one or two small things to complain about, one or two small things to put a mild damper on all the goodness that God has given to me. Case in point: engagements. Have I mentioned in a blog yet that everyone I know seems to be getting engaged?! It's insanity. Then I get insecure because I have no prospective men, but here's the catch: I don't WANT a prospective man. Not yet at least (obviously someday I DEFINITELY want a prospective man). I had a possible guy, but I wasn't really content with that because as much as I love hanging out with him, I didn't really want to date him quite yet. At the same time there was part of me that was trying to force myself to want to date him in case he wanted to date me just because I want some sort of security to know that I won't be single for the rest of my life. Sorry...are you following? Hopefully I didn't lose ya! Then the other day he said that he wanted to "slow things down a bit" because he needs to focus on school and sports because he's got some great aspirations that he needs to be focused on in order to reach. When he said that, part of me (most of me) felt a huuuuuuge relief because I can still hang out with him without trying to force something that I didn't want to happen yet anyway, BUT the other little part of me began to panic as the numbers of engagements continued to grow, my chances of dating someone decreased. Ok...see, I'm so indecisive. And I have such a hard time being content.

Here's the thing: God is good. I'm reminded of that nearly every morning as I see the sun above the gorgeous mountains and everyday as I witness the many blessings that he's placed in my life. He put us on this earth to be ambassadors for Him and we came here with nothing and we'll leave here with nothing. This is our temporary home, so technically we're not supposed to be content. We're always supposed to yearn for something more because we weren't created to indulge ourselves in worldly wealth; we were created to live for our Heavenly Father. We should never be content with our life here on this earth. We should be content with the life that he's given us and the things and people that he's placed in our lives, but as far as reaching for more and more and more when it comes to the things of this world: we weren't created to do that. For years I've wanted nothing more than to be able to sing these words with real truth:

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

I've been singing that song in church for years, but I never truly meant it. And I can honestly tell you now that I still don't always mean those words, but lately I've been finding myself being able to say, "God take me. Have me. Fill me. I can't do anything to change the stage in life that you have me in right now, but please just surround me with your love and place your spirit in me," whenever I start to feel discontent. It's tough sometimes, but I know God will walk me through every stage of life and I know that only He can satisfy. And although I won't always feel content or be please with the roads He takes me down, all I can do is lean on Him.

G'night.
(ps. apologies if there are typos...i'm too tired to proofread this)

re-juv-en-at-ed

I know that the New Year is all about the "New You" and "New Resolutions." I had my list of resolutions (see two posts prior to this one), but I didn't feel like there was anything "new" about me. I still felt like I was going through the motions and I just felt exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. I wonder if my new year just started half way through the month of January? This past weekend I have just been hyped up on life and I can't even really explain why. I hung out with my family, I hung out with my cousins, I got another job (this will make for an insane life, but at least I'll be able to go shopping now, right?!) and in a sense, I feel like I've gotten a new burst of energy and a sense of rejuvenation. It's all so fabulous.

This is short...I know, but I just wanted to share how juiced on life I am right now. I'm not sure if it even really has anything to do with what I just wrote, but this verse keeps popping up in my head so I'll leave it with y'all before I go to bed. It's from Psalm 55:22 and it says, "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."

Psalm 19:1

There's something about the mountains that just completely mesmerizes me. They show the majesty of God like nothing else and I love it. Creation just screams that our Father loves us so dearly. I was watching TV with a friend last night and something involving atheism came on on the show that we were watching and he said, "I just don't understand how anyone could think there isn't a God." I don't get it either, Dev. Especially not on days like today when his complete holy and pure workmanship is displayed for everyone to see.

This morning I was sleepily driving to work (3 hours of sleep never goes over well for me), just sort of going through the motions and hoping that I'd be able to stay away long enough to make it to FPU without fall asleep at the wheel, let alone a full day at work. I pulled up to the main road (I live quite close to the foothills and the mountains, but you'd never know thanks to the lovely Valley air) of my neighborhood and I had to catch my breath. The air was clear and you could see the mountains so well that it felt like I could just run over to them. The sky was grey and dark with rain clouds, but yet the sun was shining only across the mountains. Somehow, that beautiful view, that minor glimpse of the glory of God, completely lifted my tired spirit and rejuvenated me for the day. It was awesome! All day the mountains were in plain sight and a verse came to my mind immediately, "The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the works of his hands." -Psalm 19:1

So true. And again, I don't understand how people can say that there isn't a God when all of creation screams that our Savior loves us so dearly.